Everyday TBRI® The 'L' in IDEAL Response

After ‘Action-Based’, the last part of the IDEAL Response© is ‘Leveled at the Behavior, not the child’. This means correcting and teaching in a way that views a behavior as a part of a whole picture, not the whole picture. If you're a recipient of this email, you likely have seen behaviors born from trauma such as:

• Stealing food from the cabinets in the middle of the night, eating it, and hiding wrappers under the bed

• Pilfering items that don't belong to them compulsively

• Lying over seemingly small things

• Meltdowns when confronted about anything listed above

Parenting children exhibiting these behaviors can be mind-boggling. You may have tried every tool in your parenting toolbox and are still coming up frustrated. In the absence of a plan, parents will sometimes revert to ways that they were parented...old school tricks like yelling louder, using power over, and invoking shame. Shame is used in traditional parenting to curtail behaviors through "helping" kids learn through associating negative feelings to an event. Think about statements you may have heard growing up, like “I’m very disappointed in you” or “You should be ashamed of yourself”. On the surface, this might feel effective because when a child feels ashamed, they will initially try harder to please their parents. The reality is that parent-induced shame ultimately serves to disconnect parents and kids. If our goal is to remain connected when we're correcting, we have to use other tools.

How a child feels about themselves as a person - their self-esteem, their self-worth, their self-concept - this is what governs behavior. We truly believe children do well when they can. Our jobs are to reinforce our children’s belief in themselves. We are their advocates to the world and to themselves. When a child feels confident and happy in their hearts, their behavior reflects this positive emotional state.

While we will have ample opportunities for "teaching moments" with our kids, we have to continually check to make sure that we are also talking about the precious person in front of us who is made up of a whole lot more than the sum of their parts.