It's February! We're all coming out of hibernation, which is a great reminder that it's about time we talk about "turning towards".
The concept of turning towards comes from the work of John and Julie Gottman who studied newlyweds in a lab/apartment over a weekend and then again six years later. He found that many of those couples didn't remain married, and those who were still married had higher incidents of turning towards.
Turning towards another person involves giving space to someone else's bid, which is an attempt from one partner to the other for attention, affirmation, affection, or another positive connection. Bids can be winks, smiles, texts to check in, or a hand on the back. Bids can be received, ignored or rejected. Based on what one partner is carrying in their "backpack" that day, responding to bids might be more challenging than it might appear. The simplest solution to responding to a bid is turning physically towards your partner (or your child) and giving them your full attention. Giving full attention is generous and compassionate. It doesn't require problem solving or fixing. It's about holding space for another human. Turning towards is often all that a partner needs to feel seen and heard. Once you connect through this simple act, it becomes easier to
pay attention
respond to simple requests
help your partner
show interest or excitement
answer questions
chat
share events about the day
joke
de-stress
be affectionate
play
join with
Gottman's research showed that couples who stayed married turned towards each other 86% of the time while those that divorced averaged only 33% percent. My challenge to you this month is to be intentional about turning towards the folks in your life. Make eye contact. Put the phone down. Allowing yourself to be present is as much for you as it is for the people you love.
Brittle, Z. B., LMHC (n.d.). Turn Towards Instead of Away. Www.Gottman.com. https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/