I want to tell you a story about yesterday. I had an “opportunity” to chaperone the 6th grade social at my daughter’s middle school. There were lots of things that I noticed in that two hours, both positive and weird. You may also have a middle schooler, and even if your kids are younger, you have eventual middle schoolers. Alas, this entry is for you.
First, there are smells. I’m not totally sure how to describe it, but I’ll start with having you imagine a group of kids at the end of the school day at 98% humidity and rain, in a gymnasium. It was a little like sneakers left under the bed. A lot like onions. Between ages 9 and 11, kids start producing the hormones that change their little bodies and the hormones that make the smells. At this age, children are incredibly self-conscious, and I say this as a reminder that when it’s time to have “the talk” about grooming and hygiene, consider developmental level and trauma history. Normal growth and development are impacted by a child’s history, so conversations that may come naturally with biological children will be more complicated with adopted children.
They travel in packs. It’s fascinating to watch. On this particular day, they were in costumes, many kids in the SAME costume in their little pack. I witnessed a group of four boys strut by several times, one wearing a Top Gun fighter jacket and three with green flight suits (one of them with Goose’s mustache). I saw a group of girls in luau shirts and leis, and another group in sequined 70’s jumpsuits. Developmentally, these kids are entering into Erikson’s stage of Identity versus Confusion. They are forming alliances with friends and experimenting with who they want to be in the world. Adoptive parents speak the language of attachment, so naturally, they may doubt their progress when children at this stage push back on the parental relationship. This is a very gentle reminder that the pushback is normal and developmentally appropriate.
Their movement is frantic. They don’t stay in one spot. They change direction mid footstep. They run across rooms only to run back the other direction. They jump when they dance, especially when they get Rick-Rolled. Middle school is the entry into being a bigger kid, but there are lots of little kid things happening in their brains. Movement, running and jumping helping kids regulate their proprioceptive and vestibular systems. This tends to be exacerbated for kids with sensory processing issues and kids from hard places, and while it might feel unruly, it’s perfectly normal.
They are sneaky. The rule was “no food or drinks in the gym”. They knew this up front from their teachers and they knew it at the door from the chaperones. Nevertheless, they persisted! There were repeated attempts to bring in food and beverages. This behavior feels intentional and manipulative for parents, particularly adoptive parents. Kids at this age are testing limits and boundaries. They are pushing authority and toeing the line to see what they can get away with, which while infuriating, is also normal.
Circling back to mindful parenting, I was acutely aware yesterday of my own “stuff” around the middle school years. I had just moved to another state, everyone knew each other already, and it was the start of the 90’s, so my personal style during that time was a mix of bad choices and angst. I remember wearing panty hose (you know the ones) with a skirt for picture day and someone called me “baked potato knees”. I can’t make this stuff up. Yesterday, I made a conscious effort to put aside my experiences to give my daughter her own, which is already shaping up differently, and that’s something I can appreciate.
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